The date was March 9th. The gathering was a birthday party. All the major players were there. The birthday girl? Kimberly Guilfoyle, girlfriend of one Donald Trump Junior. But this was not your everyday average party. That is because of a series of unfortunate events which turned the party into yet another mad gathering where once again, Individual One hijacked the party and turned it into his own personal grievance event.

Trump gave a rather rambling speech in which he praised himself, claiming he is slaying it in his presidential campaign. “We’re leading in NH by 47 points,” the outlaw beamed. Trump also issued a warning. This warning stemmed from the fact that, according to trump, strange and sinister people were being released from insane asylums all over the country. Trump offered no evidence of this loopy theory.

There was also a mysterious absence from the party from hell. Ivanka Trump was nowhere in sight. Perhaps the whispery-voiced daughter knew that this event would indeed suck and wanted to make sure she was far away from the celebratory gathering.

And what of Kim’s boyfriend, the charming and brilliant Donald trump junior? Well, he was there to wish his girl a happy b-day. In fact, he posted a little birthday wish on her Instagram. Junior was as always schooled in the art of romance, and his message to her no doubt had many a woman sighing with delight.

Just kidding. Happy birthday to “the best broad ever!,”‘ the not-so-romantic Junior wrote, proving that Junior in romance acts– well — exactly as we might think he would. Trump could be seen on video trying to do something. We THINK it was dance. Needless to say, he did not do this well.

Trump also warned party-goers that terrorists were entering the country from other countries. Again not one piece of evidence was provided. So as the birthday songs were sung and some 400 people milled about, I feel safe saying we should all be happy that we were nowhere near this birthday party from hell.

Trump got one thing wrong, which came in the form of his comment about terrorists entering the country. The biggest terrorist in sight is already IN this country, and he’s about to be indicted — and his name is Donald John Trump.

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